


i hope you don't mind

by chaotic_carisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28624590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi
Summary: “Alright Sonny. How can I help you” he said, dropping his pen on the desk and leaning back, looking into his eyes for the first time, amazed at how bright and almost familiar they were. Sonny smiled, leaning forward onto the desk, not breaking eye contact with Rafael.“I’ll be honest. I killed them.” He said, his smile turning to a grin as he noticed the flicker of horror in Rafael’s eyes.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

Sighing heavily, Rafael made his way into the precinct and followed the corridor he was so familiar with. His mind blurred with rushing thoughts, he found his way to the holding cells quickly enough, glad to see he wasn’t alone. 

“Liv, what’s going on. Why am I here” he asked, still confused as to why she hadn’t explained over the phone. 

“All I know is he wants to talk to you. Refuses to cooperate with anyone else” she said, shaking her head and handing him the case file. Still not sure what to expect, Rafael opened the file and scanned thorough the pages, stopping short at what he read.

“7 people? He killed 7 people?” he looked up, shock overtaking confusion. This guy, whoever he was, had the audacity to ask to talk to him specifically after doing something like that? Rafael shook his head and closed the file. “Where is he?” 

“Be careful with him Rafa, there’s something odd about him” Liv warned as she led him to the interrogation room, pausing before opening the door. “I’ll be out here the whole time, alright?”

“I’ll be fine Liv, thanks” Rafael sighed and readied himself, then opened the door and entered the interrogation room. “I’m ADA Rafael Barba, I understand you asked to talk to me specifically,“ he glanced down at the file as he placed it on the table and sat down, “Mr. Carisi?” Carisi? The name rang a bell in Rafi’s head, a distant bell, but it was ringing nonetheless. 

“Sonny, call me Sonny” he said, as Rafael looked up at the man across from him, instantly shocked to see that he was smiling. “Thanks for coming, counsellor” he said, almost smugly. Rafael watched him, trying to figure out how someone who killed 7 people could be so calm. Pulling out a notepad, he quickly wrote ‘Sonny’ and underneath ‘Psych?’ as a reminder to ask the lieutenant once he was finished.

“Alright Sonny. How can I help you” he said, dropping his pen on the desk and leaning back, looking into his eyes for the first time, amazed at how bright and almost familiar they were. Sonny smiled, leaning forward onto the desk, not breaking eye contact with Rafael. 

“I’ll be honest. I killed them.” He said, his smile turning to a grin as he noticed the flicker of horror in Rafael’s eyes. He paused for a moment, wondering whether to play with him a bit more, considering the outcomes. Finally, breaking eye contact, he looked down at his interlocked hands and sighed, tapping his thumbs together quickly. Rafael noticed this and watched, wondering if his anxiety was genuine. “I had to get someone’s attention, really, I just needed them to know me, and well- “he looked up and gestured towards Rafael with his cuffed hands, “it obviously worked, didn’t it? I hope you don’t mind, counsellor.” he finished, and leaned forward, pleasantly surprised to see more confusion than horror etched on Rafael’s face. 

There was something about the final sentence that reminded Raf of something- someone- a very long time ago but before he could even begin to form an answer, he heard Liv banging on the mirror and knew it was time for a break. Sonny nodded as Raf stood up, obviously aware of the effect of his words. Not knowing what to say, he picked up the file and left the interrogation room, feeling relieved to see Liv again. 

“What on earth was that about?” she asked, as they walked round to the 2-way mirror. Rafael shrugged, watching Sonny as he leaned back in the seat and put his feet on the table. “Rafa, what did he mean? He killed those people to get your attention?” shrugging again, he leaned forward and rest his forehead on the cool glass of the mirror, trying to organize his thoughts. What did it mean? Could he really have killed those people just for Raf’s attention? He stood up straight and turned to face Liv, still working on an answer. 

“I’m really not sure Liv. Has he had a psych evaluation?” he asked, not sure which answer he was hoping for. 

“Yes, and he passed with flying colors.” She shook her head. “I don’t understand this at all Raf, but I don’t think you should talk to him again, especially if what he said is true.” Raf understood what she meant, but he had to know what Sonny meant. Turning back to the mirror, he sighed in disbelief at the way Sonny was still so calm and collected, watching as he ran a hand through his grey streaked hair, as though he had no concern about being arrested for murder. He had to know why. 

“I’m going back in. I’ll be fine Liv,” he added after seeing the look on her face, but also to convince himself. “we need to know why he did it.” That should convince her, he thought. The murders were of course important, but for Raf’s attention? Well, he had to know why. He put a reassuring hand on Liv’s shoulder as he passed her and tried his best to prepare himself as he opened the door and sat back down across from Sonny in the cold, grey room. “So, Sonny,“ he started, then looked up into the shockingly blue eyes of the apparently dangerous man in front of him. Raf hadn’t realized how close he was, and felt the words catch in his throat as he continued. “why don’t you tell me everything, why you’re here, and more importantly, why I’m here?” it felt almost impossible, but Raf tore his gaze away from Sonny’s and looked down to his notepad, wondering what on earth Sonny had to say.

Sonny nodded, knowing it would come to this but how could he even begin. He leaned back, already missing those green eyes that he hadn’t seen in a long time. Placing his hands flat on the table in front of him, he looked down and started to speak. 

“We met once, at a bar, both pretty out of it. You had just graduated and I was just there at the right time, I suppose. We got to talking, had a couple drinks, had a good time. We went back to my place and, well, you can probably guess what happened next. When I woke up the next morning, you were gone. No note, no surname, nothing. Just gone. I had convinced myself it was a drunken dream, all in my head, that you simply didn’t exist, but last week, I saw you on the news. God, it was like a dream, seeing you again, and it was you, it was really you. As soon as I saw you, I just knew I had to get your attention, and well, here we are Rafael.”

As soon as Sonny said his name, Raf felt like he had been hit by a train. How could he forget that night? It all came rushing back, that handsome stranger in the bar sitting next to him, the way everything felt so natural, the way their bodies fit together so well, his first time… slowly, Raf looked up, into those eyes, god how could he forget those eyes. Sighing, he remembered as Sonny had sat next to him, all those years ago, muttering “I hope you don’t mind.” as he held out his hand and bought him another drink. 

“Dominick?” he said after what felt like forever. He nodded and smiled once more at Raf, who almost melted at the sight of him. It was only then, as they both relived that night, lost in each other’s eyes, that Rafael remembered why he was there. 

“You killed 7 fucking people to get my attention, Dominick Carisi? What the fuck were you thinking? Why didn’t you just call my office?” he shouted, standing up so suddenly his head spun. Sonny noticed this and stood up, stepping slightly towards him but stopping himself before he got too close. He made a fair point. Why didn’t he just call his office, or hope to bump into him walking past the courtroom one day. Frowning, Sonny sat back down, not wanting to admit the truth to Rafael. The worst was yet to come, and he had to choose his words carefully. 

Rafael watched as Sonny sat back down, and felt his anger fade away. Right now, he would trade anything in the world to know what Sonny was thinking. He sat down, watching as Sonny battled with an inner demon that he could barely begin to imagine. Slowly, he reached across the table, and placed his hand on top of Sonny’s, barely aware of his surroundings anymore. He couldn’t even begin to explain what he felt in the pit of his stomach when he looked up into Sonny’s amazingly blue eyes, wanting to stay like this forever.

“You can tell me anything. It’ll be ok.” He said, although he wasn’t sure he believed it himself. He wanted to, but from what he had read in Sonny’s file, well. 7 murders would put him away for a long time. No. he couldn’t think like that. Not yet. 

Sonny smiled. He had imagined this for months, years even. He had dreamt of those deep green eyes and warm smooth hands and now it was real. But he knew what he did, and more importantly, he knew what would happen if he told the truth. 

“If I could tell you and know that we’d be alright, then I’d spill everything right now. But I want to be able to see you again Rafael. I need to be able to see you again.” He sighed, and pulled his hand away from Raf’s, already missing his warmth. “I’m sorry” he murmured, finally breaking eye contact and leaning back in his chair. 

Rafael gasped softly as Liv knocked on the door, completely forgetting she was there. He glanced back at Sonny one last time, before gathering his things and walking out the door. His mind was still rushing, thoughts colliding into memories, countless situations were forming, all tinted by that familiar shade of blue. He barely registered the flow of questions from Liv until she touched his arm.

“Go home Rafa, you don’t have to explain anything today.” she said, realizing her questions wouldn’t help now, but still hoping she could make some sense of what happened. Raf, however, shook his head, knowing that he wouldn’t leave the precinct willingly while Sonny was still here.

“I’m staying, I have to stay,” he said, making his way to the mirror again, once more, feeling shocked at how calm Sonny looked considering what he had said. Then it hit him. Sonny had admitted to the murders, he would probably be sent to Rikers tomorrow and Raf would never see him again. He couldn’t lose him again, not yet. “You’ll need to interview now, right?” asked Liv, turning around as she nodded, trying to buy some more time. Maybe he could plea insanity, or manslaughter or something else, something to keep him out of prison. Suddenly Raf realized the missing component. Slowly, he made his way to the sofa in Liv’s office and sat down, scanning through the file, looking for the one thing he had ignored. Sonny had admitted to killing 7 people, yet the file only had details for 2 of those. “Liv, why does the file only have evidence of 2 deaths” he asked, looking up at the lieutenant, not sure what to expect. 

“We found him at the scene, with the bodies that are in the file,” she said, sitting down behind her desk. “We thought it was only 2, so it would’ve been a straight forward sentence, in and out of court. It was only when we were in the car on route to the precinct that he mentioned the others.” she sighed and shook her head. “We’ve found nothing to prove that there were others today, and assuming these are previous incidents, well, he wouldn’t even give us any names. There’s no real proof that Carisi actually killed 7 people, but he said it with such confidence as though it were common knowledge, you couldn’t help but believe him. That’s the last thing he said before asking to talk to you” she finished, and looked up at Raf who was still examining the file, subconsciously bouncing his leg as he read. She stood up and placed a large pile of files beside him on the couch. “Here are all the missing persons reports from the last 10 years and some unidentified bodied. Maybe you’ll be able to spot something we missed.” She said, and left the office before Raf could respond. 

Humming softly, he picked up the first of the files and started to read, not even sure what he was looking for. He continued this for over an hour, humming and reading, barely aware of the time. As he read, Sonny was moved to a cell where he lay on the stiff bed and stared at the dull, white ceiling, softly singing under his breath. Not long after, he fell asleep, falling into dreams of a younger man in a bar, a faint song playing on the radio in the background as they gradually moved closer together. Back in the lieutenant’s office, the files had slid from Raf’s lap onto the floor as sleep finally claimed him, and he too, dreamt of the stranger in the bar and how natural it felt to be with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Although he was in a cell, and most likely about to be sent to prison for the rest of his life, Sonny was in a ridiculously good mood. He sat on the edge of the bed, legs bouncing, as he ran his hand restlessly through his hair, unable to sit still. He knew it had only been an hour or so, but it had felt like forever had passed by the time lieutenant came to get him. 

“Good morning lieutenant!” he beamed at her and stood up, barely able to contain his excitement. 

At first Liv was confused as to where this enthusiasm had come from, but she quickly remembered the conversation between him and the counsellor and understood. Without saying anything, she held up the cuffs, and watched as Carisi turned around, before cuffing his hands behind his back. She wondered how she would feel if someone she had met once commited a crime just to see her again and sighed as she remembered how she found Rafa in her office, asleep on the couch, the files splayed over the floor. She could only hope that he had sorted himself out as she opened Carisi’s cell and led him back to the room where he had awoken old memories for Rafael. 

As Sonny made his way into the empty room and sat down, he suddenly got worried that Rafael wouldn’t be coming back. Had he scared him away already? Sighing, Sonny bent over the table, letting his forehead rest on the cool metal, and restlessly started tapping his fingers in front of his head, the noise soothing him slightly. He was so focused on the sound that he didn’t even notice the door open. He only looked up after Raf sat down and placed his coffee cup on the desk, the sound of the ceramic mug hitting the metal causing him to lose focus. Looking up, he felt relief and joy rush through him as he found himself looking into Rafael’s stunning green eyes. This was shortly overtaken with concern as Sonny noticed how tired he looked. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, sitting up and looking across at Rafael, unrealistic ideas passing through his mind. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He replied, barely containing a yawn as he placed a stack of files on the desk. “I passed out halfway through that,” he gestured at the pile, then looked up at Sonny. “We can’t seem to find anything that proves you killed 7 people.” He finished, and watched Sonny for a reaction, but he gave nothing away. 

Sonny looked at the files, then back up to Rafael. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to spill everything right there, but he knew that others were listening and that he couldn’t risk it, not yet. “Well, how can I help, counsellor?” he asked, watching as Rafael shrugged his jacket off and started rolling up his sleeves. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander, imagining if they weren’t in this situation, imagining how different everything would be if Rafael had stayed instead of disappearing. 

“I want names,” He said, pulling Sonny back into the room. “And dates, if that’s not too much to ask.” He slid a notepad and pen across the desk, then leaned back and picked up his mug, taking a sip as he watched Sonny picked up the pen and rolled it between his fingers. 

Sonny looked down at the paper, knowing he had a choice to make. A lot of choices. “I didn’t ask for their names. Well, not all of them.” He finished under his breath, glancing up at Rafael, who just shrugged. 

“Anything that you can remember will help, Sonny.” He replied, taking another sip of coffee. 

That’s the issue, Sonny thought. He could remember everything, all of them, and now he had to narrow it down to 5. He had to pick 5 people from his memories, 5 situations, 5 families to be notified of why a loved one wouldn’t be coming home again. He sighed, knowing that these 5 names would push Rafael further away from him. Quickly, he scribbled down 5 names, pulled from his thoughts with a hint of hope, and added the dates beside them, purposefully only writing the months and year. 

He slid the notepad back across the table, but kept the pen, tapping it restlessly against his cuffs as Rafael read the names, instantly recognizing them from the reports he had read last night. “And these are all of them?” he asked, looking back up at Sonny, who was surprised to see concern rather than horror in his eyes. Sonny leaned back and ran a hand through his hair, already regretting what he was about to do. 

“If you get me out of these cuffs, and we can be somewhere alone, with no one watching,” he gestured at the mirror, “then I’ll answer every question you ask. I’ll tell you everything.” He finished, already knowing the answer was probably no. 

Rafael thought about this for a moment, knowing Liv would object, but wanting to hear the full story. He also had some questions for Sonny that he would much rather ask without an audience. “Alright, give me 5 minutes.” He said, and stood up to leave, taking the notepad with him. Sonny watched him go, surprised he had actually agreed. 

“Absolutely not.” Liv said, before Raf could even attempt to persuade her. “Alone? And uncuffed? Are you crazy? What if he attacks you? Or what if he’s just using you? Taking advantage because, what, you hooked up once, years ago?” He could understand the point she was making, but there was a cold edge to her voice that made him want to talk to Sonny more, just to prove her wrong. “Curiosity killed the cat, Rafael.” 

“And satisfaction brought it back.” He shot back quickly, taking a breath before continuing. “He trusts me, Liv. He’s not going to hurt me, I can tell. Even so, don’t you want to know the full story? Don’t you want to know why he did it?” Liv sighed, and Raf knew he’d won. He held his hand out for the key to Sonny’s cuffs, and asked, “Where can we go?” 

“Take my office.” She said, wanting to be close by in case anything actually happened. 

“Thank you.” Rafael went back into the room, holding up the keys. He uncuffed Sonny, then led him to Liv’s office, where he sat on the edge of the sofa, rubbing his wrists. Raf turned one of the chairs around and sat in front of him, waiting. “In your own time.” 

“Do you really not remember?” He asked, looking into Rafael’s eyes, hoping to see some spark of a memory, but there was only confusion. “You really don’t remember that night?” 

“I remember enough of it. We got drunk, we went back to your place, I left before you woke up.” Rafael shrugged, not sure how this was relevant. Was it possible that he had forgotten something? 

“Yes, but what happened after we left the bar. Please Rafael, it’ll be easier if you remember.” He almost whispered, knowing he wouldn’t be able to tell him himself. 

Rafael leaned back, and thought of that night, the pair of them in the bar, drinking, talking, having more fun than Rafael had had in a long time. It was only then that he realized he couldn’t remember getting to Sonny’s apartment. Burying his head in his hands, he tried his best to relive it. 

They were drunk, probably too drunk but it didn’t matter because it felt so right. Rafael was leaning against Sonny, his arm around his shoulders. Sonny leaned down, and suggested they go back to his place, and Rafael, of course, jumped at the chance, having been waiting for him to ask for the past hour. Sonny finished his drink and stood up; Rafael close behind him. Once outside, they walked in the dark together, occasionally brushing against each other as the cold city air burnt their cheeks. They turned down a vaguely familiar street, now silent in the night, the only noise coming from Raf and Sonny as they passed the sleeping houses. Rafael tripped as they stumbled through the street, and Sonny grabbed his arm before he could fall, but didn’t let go as they continued walking, wanting to keep him close. It was then that a group of men appeared on the street, walking towards the drunken duo. Rafael felt Sonny stiffen as the group got closer, and felt Sonny’s hand drop from his arm. They continued walking, trying to speed up to pass the group, almost making it past them before the shouting started. Sonny was used to name calling, it was pretty common by now, but for Rafael, this was a first. He stopped dead, turning to look at the men, ignoring Sonny trying to pull him away. Something inside Raf had been released, and the rage burst out of him as he shouted at the group, barely aware of what he was saying, but instantly regretting it when 2 od the men pulled out guns. He felt himself being pulled, this time by one of the men, and struggled as he watched another grab Sonny, who barely flinched when the apparent leader of the group held his gun to his head. It was only as the gun was turned to Rafael that Sonny reacted, moving faster than he had in his life, knocking into the leader causing him to drop his gun. Rafael acted on instinct, and dropped as he was released, grabbing the gun from the ground and squeezing the trigger twice before he was even aware that he was doing it. He turned shooting the second gunman, whose gun was taken by Sonny, who quickly shot the other 2. It was over as quickly as it began, and Rafael dropped the gun as he looked around the bodies surrounding them. He couldn’t believe what had happened, and he looked up at Sonny, who, surprisingly, had a grin slowly stretching across his name. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the adrenaline after what just happened, but Rafael started laughing. It didn’t take long for them to get to Sonny’s place from there, and once they were inside, they were practically attached at the mouth, only breaking apart from each other as they pulled each other’s clothes off. They made their way into the bedroom, Rafael falling onto the bed with Sonny on top of him, moaning as he felt Sonny’s body against his own, smiling to himself at how natural it felt. It was the best night of Rafael’s life, and he could only hope for it to happen again. He felt guilty as he left that morning, wishing he could’ve said something but not wanting to wake Sonny. He would’ve given anything to go back in, just for a second to have some sort of reason to see him again, but he didn’t go back, and they never met again. 

Until now. 

Rafael looked up at Sonny, a million thoughts running through his mind as he looked into those blue eyes, as if for the first time again. 

“You remember, don’t you?” Sonny asked once he looked back up, noticing the mixture of emotions in Rafael’s eyes, the fear, the concern, regret even. Rafael nodded, searching for the right words, but felt his breath catch in his throat as Sonny reached out and took his hand, and once again he found himself moving on instinct, leaning forward and kissing Sonny with enough force to push him backwards onto the sofa, Rafael moving with him and leaning over him on the couch, feeling complete for the first time in a very long time.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael barely managed to stand up straight before Liv opened the door, looking between Sonny and Raf with concern, as though she was expecting something else. 

“Can I help you, lieutenant?” Rafael asked, trying his best to seem calm. He glanced down at Sonny, who was somehow acting as though nothing had happened, and then back at Liv. 

“No, sorry, I thought I heard something, I was just checking. “She shook her head, and walked back out the room, shutting the door behind her. Rafael and Sonny looked at each other and instantly burst out laughing. It had been a close call. 

“So, you remembered?” Sonny asked as Rafael sat next to him on the sofa. Rafael nodded and took Sonny’s hand in his own, not wanting to let him go. 

“Everything.” He said, surprised he had forgotten about such an event. “I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t left without saying anything, I wish I could change that.” He sighed, looking into Sonny’s eyes, his own filled with regret as he thought back. 

“Why did you leave?” Sonny asked, finally hoping to get the answers he’d waited so long for. 

Rafael looked down, focusing on Sonny’s hand in his own as he tried to remember, but only finding an empty space in his memories. “I’m not sure. I just remember waking up with a headache. I didn't know what to do.” 

“So, you left? You just left?” Sonny pulled his hand back from Rafael’s, ignoring the hurt look on his face as he looked up. “You didn’t think to leave your name or a number or anything?” Sonny stood up quickly, a sudden burst of anger rushing through him, anger that he had managed to suppress for years. An anger that Sonny only let out sometimes, but even then, it was all because of the man sitting in front of him, flinching at Sonny’s harsh tone. 

“Sonny-” Raf started, but Sonny cut him off, and Rafael just knew that he wouldn’t be able to say anything to help. It also became increasingly clear to him that Sonny had been waiting a long time for this. 

“You got out, Rafael. You got up that morning and you got out. You left, you left that night behind and you left me behind. You left me in this mess when it could’ve been us, it could have been you and me against the world.” Sonny stopped and stuffed his hands in his pockets, suddenly aware of how much he had been moving them. “All this, everything I did, it was all for you.” 

Rafael only felt conflict as he looked at Sonny. On one hand, Sonny had changed his life, and even though he had forgotten that night, he knew it was always there. It had never left him. On the other hand, he felt disgusted at Sonny’s last statement. He had spent the better part of his life as an ADA, putting away criminals. “For me?” He shook his head as he stood up, coming almost eye to eye with Sonny. “What happened that night was a mistake, we were drunk, we were young.” 

“Then it was the best mistake of my life.” Sonny shot back at Raf, his cold blue eyes cutting straight through Rafael’s. “If it weren't for that night, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have found you again.” He finished, voice softening along with his shoulders. 

“Sonny, if it weren’t for that night...” Rafael trailed off. He didn’t want to think about the ‘what if’s’ yet. 

“You can’t tell me you regret it.” Sonny said, watching as Rafael’s eyes scanned the wall before finally settling on Sonny. 

“Can’t I? Sonny, that night...” Rafael paused, words crashing through his thoughts as he tried to find the right ones. “That night changed you, and not for the better.” This was the first time Rafael noticed the pain on Sonny’s face, but it wouldn’t be the last. His next words came automatically as he thought of the names Sonny wrote down and the idea that he was the reason behind what Sonny had done. 

“You’re a monster.” 

“And you’re a lawyer.” 

Sonny rolled his eyes as he turned away from Rafael, focusing on the busy street outside. This wasn’t what he expected. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely noticed as Rafael left the office, slamming the door behind him. He didn’t react as the lieutenant came into the room, cuffing his hands behind his back and leading him back to the cell. He only thought about the way Rafael had kissed him, and how he wished it didn’t have to end. 

Of course, everything must end at some point, he thought, grinning, as a new thought made its way into his mind.


End file.
